in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
