I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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