wanna go halves on a baby?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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