Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
