The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
