I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
