Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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