There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
