so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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