U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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