You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
