I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
