omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
