Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
