Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
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