Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
