You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
