watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
