not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
