she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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