It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
if only i could text you this smell
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
