that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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