the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
it was like eating out sand paper
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
