i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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