So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
