Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
