His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
