if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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