The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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