i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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