my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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