I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
