My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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