You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
