Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You can't motorboat a personality
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
