I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm jealous of your bromance
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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