i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
