I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
