im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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