I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
