if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
