Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
