I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish I only lived at night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
