WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
