I've blown a few things in my day
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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