"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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