Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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