3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
