Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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