You smell like a Billy Joel song
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
