Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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