I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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