i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
