3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
