i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize