Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize