I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
