Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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