Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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